DEALING WITH THOUGHTLESSNESS…….”My baby doesn’t have severe problems like your baby”

Most of us when younger were told to think before you speak which is, no doubt, good advice. What we were not told is specifically what we are to think about and what else might we do to help us communicate effectively. Many of us may only stop to think if what we are ready to say feels nasty or inappropriate and is probably better left unsaid. Yet there is more to consider—it is the impact we will have on our listener(s). Having a positive impact requires that we also use our sensitivity as well as our thinking brain before we speak.

We were talking with a young first-time mother whose one-year old baby’s physical and mental development is compromised. She shared with us how she is so very tired of hearing thoughtless comments from people—mostly from total strangers. As an example, at a special water exercise class for babies with muscular developmental problems another mother walked up to her and said, “My baby doesn’t have severe problems like your baby.” Of course we are not aware of the tone in which this might have been said. It may have been said with deep compassion or just in a matter of fact way. Nevertheless we do know the impact it had on this young mother. She heard it as a cruel comment and felt hurt by it. We shall never know the other woman’s thought process that led to her making the comment . . . and it’s quite likely that she did not stay around to see her impact.

What we do know about are the struggles this young mother is going through and worst of all must be the “not knowing”. To date none of the medical specialists have any clear-cut answers as to the cause of the multiple issues facing this baby or as to how to correct them. Therefore, this mother has devoted herself to trying any and all possible solutions—anything that may help her child move forward and live a normal life. This mother’s life revolves around her baby and she is to be commended for not giving up and believing in the possibilities. Sadly, she does not necessarily receive the respect and understanding that she deserves.

She is clearly working hard to hold on to the positive and to trust that her baby, through her efforts, will be able to have a healthy life. This “not knowing” is totally unsettling and she is therefore much more vulnerable when what appear to be thoughtless comments are made.

So here we have the two versions of “being responsible for impact”. The mother who made the comment clearly did not bother to really see and meet the person to whom she addressed her comment. Did she, even for one second, stop to think of the impact she would have on the other mother? Most likely she was so self-absorbed, she didn’t consider anyone’s feelings but her own. Had she been able to do so, she would either have sensed that the comment was not one to be made and would have kept silent. Or, having voiced her comment, she would have noticed the hurtful impact it had on the young mother. In this case, it would then have been her responsibility to stay in the “mess” she had created and help clean it up. Even if her intention had been to express total compassion, she still has the responsibility to stay around and see that it was not received in a hurtful way.

What we can be absolutely sure about is that this mother with the apparently healthier child did not say what she said purely to hurt the other person. This would be unnatural. We can surmise that the comment stemmed from her own fears and insecurities about her own baby’s condition and she may even have felt relief at seeing another baby worse off than hers. Such is the strength of the survival instinct in the human form.

Here there is great learning on this particular assumption. This mother needs to learn to live positively with her particular “burden” rather than seek out others who have a greater burden to help her more easily accept her own.

As for the young mother in question, she has a responsibility for impact too—the impact of someone else’s comments on herself. Surprisingly, she too is at choice. She can choose to be hurt by the comments—and we cannot deny her sensitive state which contributes to making this choice much more “normal”. Or she can choose to ignore comments, brushing them away strong in the knowledge that she has lots to celebrate about how she is being with her own child. She is digging deep and has found a commitment that many others would not have the strength to do.

Children of course have no notion about taking responsibility for their impact. Nor, sadly, does it appear on any school curriculum! They tend to blurt out whatever enters their mind without first thinking of the consequences. Yet, somewhere along the line, many of us do learn to think first before opening our mouth. And what we are pointing to here is that there is far more to taking responsibility for our impact than just stopping to think before we speak.

Taking responsibility for our impact starts with gaining clarity on what our “intention” is before we speak. Next time you are ready to say something, ask yourself:

• What is the reason for me to speak?
• Who will it serve if I speak?
• What result or outcome am I seeking?
• What will my demeanor, attitude and tone of voice communicate?

All of this needs to be aligned with your intention.

Even having done this we can never fully legislate for the response of the other person. Sometimes, as with this young mother, there is no response as such—yet there is truly impact. So, taking responsibility also means staying around to check out the impact and, if need be, cleaning up the “mess”. . . . and this applies cyclically to both the speaker and the receiver.

Throughout your next conversation, check out your intention and then pay attention to the energy and reaction of your listener(s). Do they match your intention? If not, be ready to rectify the situation if you have created a “mess”. The energy and reaction you receive may be the result of what you have said, your communicating style, your manner of speaking, etc. Then again be aware that everyone’s reaction is not necessarily your “full” responsibility. If someone reacts negatively, it could very well be her/his “stuff” coming up. Be sure that a negative reaction isn’t because your communication was inappropriate and/or thoughtless. And even then don’t abdicate your responsibility. Positive conversations get somewhere and they are about building, building, building . . . and you can’t do that on your own.

 

2008 Copyright Lynn Hull and Julie Molner